Men!

Ok maybe it should be husbands! Right now I am a little mad at him. The very issue we discussed at therapy yesterday repeated itself today. Argh…why doesn’t he listen? And we had a communication lapse. I said something, he said ok, but 1 hour later he forgot I said it at all! So in my mind, he is not doing something I asked. Of course he “forgot” and so now I have no reason to be mad. This is so hard some days.

I got a book at the library about manic depression and was browsing through it. He got mad and he knew I was doing it out of rebellion. Too bad. I felt like he was doing the same thing with Brit and the dishes thing.

Ok enough venting. I love him, I really do and I know he loves me. I know we will work this all out. It’s getting to the other side that is the hard part.

Not bad

is how I rate how it went today. I sent an email to my sibs and 2 answered. Maybe Chris took the day off to reflect/cry/get drunk! Not a bad idea but I don’t want to be sick and with my meds, I can’t drink more than a small glass of wine anyway. Oh well…

Our session with Ric was good. We have a lot of work to shift the way things have been to where they need to be. Good thing we are both in this together and love each other deeply and are committed to our marriage and family. Life is what we make of it, I guess. I am trying to spend less time at the computer but I am bored. I am also learning why I am bored. More about that later. For now I just needed to record that this day was ok.

Other than that, I have a sore throat and drainage. Yukky! I hate this. I am sucking on cough drops constantly. You know what that means? That sticky yucky feeling in my mouth or a cough drop stuck to some place on my body or hair cause I fell asleep with it in my mouth! lol…..

Dad…

Tomorrow is 1 year since Dad died. It’s been hard. Today was hard and tomorrow, well, I am not sure. I will wait and see if my brothers and sister email me. Heck, I wonder if my mom will even remember we might be hurting and email us. She never mentioned one thing about the burial. Maybe I should tell her about bipolar? Who knows. Today I discussed some issues that have been bugging me since the weekend at prayer counseling. It felt good to share them and release them. Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I love it. When I went to Lynn’s to get the boys, we visited for some time. She and I discussed so much and that was what I needed. Funny how I found a new friend in someone who has been a relative for 11+ years! Ok here is a picture of Dad that was taken a few years ago. I like his expression.

My silly dog

He is black and silver and it’s like 90 degrees outside. But what does he like to do? Go out and roll in the grass, then lay on the hot brick patio! Here he is….

Things I realized today

about my life. Every day I get upset over the dinner hour clean up and prep. I guess it’s normal, but for me, there is so much internal anger. And then I lash out. I wonder if Kelly and Joe had to do what I had to do while I lived with Mom and they with Dad. I might have to call and ask. From age 12 and beyond, I had to come home from school and clean the house and get dinner ready. I had to do all the chores my mom should have been doing but since she left my dad, she was working and I had to do it all. I had to clean up after her, a chore I have, in some ways, passed to my own kids, call her and get dinner going, watch my younger brother. And I found lots of time to get into trouble. But I really resented having to do all that stuff. So now I guess I have to find a way to cope with that time of day and begin to make it less stressful on us all. Something to bring up tomorrow with Ric.

Trying the picture posting…

Here is Caleb, after Jacob took about 10 pictures of him yesterday morning. By the time this one was taken he was mad. He looks so cute though! Love those long eyelashes. Caleb is 8 in this picture.

Home again..

well I am home and finally updating. Things are not going the best. I am having a lot of trouble with some stuff. Feeling like my friends don’t care and that I am not doing a good job with the kids again. The trip was interesting. It went by fast in some respects, slow in others. The time spent with my pregnant sil was long! She has no structure or control over her 4 yo son. He is a brat. The nephew who was here, 9 yo, is great. Andy is so bad though. It was irritating. I found that even in my chaotic home, there is structure and routine after being there. And discipline! Oh my, she just didn’t seem to care. And it’s not because she is pregnant. She is like this all the time. And her ways are wishy-washy. She would be cautious about her kids around water, but saw nothing wrong with letting the 4 yo run all over the neighborhood where anything could happen!
Then the time with sil’s mom was strange. This woman has millions and millions but they are cheap people. She buys and buys and buys and buys pottery but food stuff is minimal. Like I wasn’t offered seconds of meat but only veggies. They made us burgers and only 1 for each of us. There were more and I said I would eat 2 because I was starving but they only made me one. Hmmmm…more weird things like that happened but that helps you get the picture.

The fun stuff was the ocean on Hilton Head and then the intercostals waterway river and a sandbar time. We had fun doing that. I saw a model home and the development my in-laws will be moving to. It’s beautiful but still it’s closed in for me. Too close and too development-like for my tastes. And I don’t like the palmetto bugs that SC has to offer. Yuck and yuck!

All in all, Ohio is a good place to live, snow and all.

Time to read about the new feature of putting photos into posts through blogger!

Father’s Day and grieving…

Ugh…not a pleasant title but one I have to post nonetheless….

First a bipolar update. It seems that my Depakote levels are way too high, 137 when normal is 50-100! So I have to take 1500 mg Extended Release of Depakote each evening and starting next week I will be taking 130mg Tileptal in the morning. I am going to SC tomorrow so I have Seroquel to calm down any “upheaval in emotions” for me! lol….hahahahaha…I am already crabby and sad…end of update…

so this is the first Father’s Day (FD) without my dad. It stinks. I realized that I hadn’t done anything really special for Phil when it hit me that the same went on last year because we were in Pgh. again, with my dad in the hospital. He was intubated again the night before and that was that. My last day to visit with my dad was the day of Ronald Regan’s funeral. We watched it then I left. He was talking and doing well that day. Three days later he was about to die, then he did a week after that. Hell, what a week that was. The whole thing was painful and horrible. We must have been in shock cause now I would be really mad if it was going on. Wow…what a thought? I am bitter or angry again at the whole damned situation. He should have taken better care of himself. Why didn’t he?

I am grateful for the recipe he wrote out for us. I am grateful for the things he taught us. But as I heal and learn about families and what God intends I find myself angry at him again. I guess that is to be expected. I let Phil in on the sadness I was feeling and cried a bit. I will do the best I can to get through the trip. Next Sunday will be a special day at church, the ordination of a deacon. It will keep me busy and thinking ahead.

I hope I can handle being in SC all week! Lizards and heat.

Boys keeping quiet! 

Boys and sillyness…

does it ever end? I have Joey here. He is my nephew and he is almost 10. That makes an 8 yo boy, a 9 yo boy, and a 10 yo boy in my house. All three will shuttle back and forth between my house and my inlaws house this week. Next week, my mil, Caleb and Joey and I will all drive to SC to take Joey home and let Caleb see the ocean. This will be a quick trip.
I have the boys doing crafts now. They were using Rescue Hero toys to battle at the table earlier. I knew we had to do something productive! Here is a picture.