Mom in Mental Motion

just like life. We just move on. Donna, my good friend from MA, stopped by Wed. for lunch with a few of her kids on the way to Indy to be with her hubby who works there. They were turned down by Extreme Makeover:Home Edition. We were all pretty upset over that. I guess the Lord has other plans.

I have barely seen the girls around here lately but I guess that is a taste of when they move out in a few weeks. The boys are excited to have a larger room and I can’t wait to fix their room into an office/craft area. I made a date with them for next Tues. for coffee. I want to have a heart to heart with them about Bipolar and me and how I have raised them and the mistakes I have made. I also want to talk about relationship issues and how we all need to relearn how to have healthy ones, especially since Brit and Jonathan are getting serious. They talk of being engaged in October!

My left foot is once again swelling for no apparent reason. I had an x-ray of it yesterday. I won’t know till later today what the results show.

I miss being with my family in Pittsburgh. I don’t know why as they aren’t always the nicest to me! But none the less, I miss them. My mom did call me the other day, all on her own! That was good. I still haven’t discussed my diagnosis with her. Maybe one day I will. Not now.

Life is moving forward not backward but its hard. David and Christine are leaving soon for Mexico then come home and go to Ukraine for ??? We will miss them. Sue P. took over the job of church secretary. Tough position but I think she will do well.

Phil bought me a card and candy last night. It was great to get them.

So now we have come to some place where the issues are being addressed. Phil no longer feels that all the problems with our marriage are of his doing, but mostly due to my being bp and undiagnosed. Not that it’s all my fault, although I am fighting hard about keeping that thought away, its a good thing for him. He says it’s like a weight lifted. I felt, at first, like it was a weight coming down hard! We are getting closer to the place where my belief systems and thought processes can be worked on. Whew…..counseling is good but hard and definitely worth it!

I also want to talk to the girls about some of these same issues. I have the problems not them so much. Although none of us know the healthy way to have relationships like we should. But that is ok. We are going to learn and break this awful cycle. Ok enough for today. I am whipped from all this.

So I think we all survived the swing. Stronger and more resolute to beat this thing. Phil and I cuddled and talked about how stressed “I” make him. Not on purpose but the poor guy is just not good at dealing with my BP and I am not much help. We need to learn some real coping skills before the next ride on the ever fun mood swing!

I hate it. Racing thoughts again. In the shower.
Leave him.
Stay with him.
Kill myself.
Walk away.
Spend money.
Sex.
No sex.
Call someone.
Hole up in a dark room.
Walk somewhere.
I hate this. I don’t understand this. Medicine is supposed to help but all it’s done is give me almost 15 pounds and what? Mood swings of anger and crying and wanting out of this mess. Damn, I just showered and put in my contacts but since I am cry8ing they won’t last now. Phil calls and says “how you feeling?”. Ugh, that started the tears. So I said I can ‘t talk, gotta get it outta my head.
Budget.
Gas money, more than we need. Get oil c hanged/
Buy material.
make a quilt
cut wedding dress to use material for something for kids
all these thoughts rolling in my head. how am I supposed to feel? Like a ball of wire or yarn that a cat played with. I ache and I am terribly lonely. I am all alone in this. where are you God. where are you when I am low? how come I am so down? sinking further and further…it hurts.bye

mood…lots of yelling at kids. no fun. i feel rotten and i am tired. Phil is late, helping his parents and I am pretty selfish about it right now. he usually asks me about it before saying yes, but he just kind of told me during a quick call. I almost spilled my guts to my neighbor about it all. she gave me good advice though. just a few more weeks of being cooped up here with these monkeys.

i hate this disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like last night. I was blogging for the first time in almost a week and Lauren came home. She had Jessica with her. Jessica is just another in a long line of big boobed friends my daughter brings home. And full of troubles. Mainly with parents and guys. So there they are, crying, and Lauren wants me to talk to Jessica. Talk about a discipleship course at our church for saved, sexually or relationally broken people who want healing and want the Father’s help in that healing. Well I don’t think Jess understands what being saved is. And I don’t know that I helped her much. I hope so.

I had some depression over the last week. I had another one of those times where I just can’t/don’t feel Phil’s love for me. I feel fat and ugly. I know he loves me but some days its very hard to just be me and know he loves me. I sometimes feel and think that we have been living a life of deception since finding out about bipolar. It’s like “Ohhhhh is that what the last 11 years was all about?” Hmmm what to do now? I don’t know.

I am still struggling with a lot of issues and don’t know where they come from and how to handle them. But I know that there is hope and I will get past them.

End note: I want to use the material of my wedding dress for some kind of heirloom crafty thing for the kids…not sure what.

Good thing we know the right kind of people. Those are the ones who fix computers and don’t charge you. My good friend’s husband helped us get rid of a trojan virus or 3 from our new pc! It seems that the Hello program that blogger tells you to use to send pics to your blog was a spyware type of thing. So we dumped it. Now we are back to things running good.

I hope!!!!!

It went well.We were all a bit nervous. The boys, 10 and 9, were being obnoxious and Brit was getting mad while we waited for him to get here. So I sent her to the store for some bread I forgot! It was better than her pacing! lol….she settled down and he got here. He is 6′4″! She is about 5′4″ and I am 5′2″ if I am lucky. And he needs to be fattened up. He was very nice and loud and fun. I can see who is the extrovert in the relationship but that is good for her. She is too quiet and wants to be more bold.

Anyway the best most embarrassing moment was at dinner. Jacob says, “He will fit in with this family. He licks his fingers, chews with his mouth open, and talks with food in his mouth too.”! Brit turned so red and the rest of us were rolling. He took it all in stride. Just like it was normal to hear such a thing. Jacob didn’t know it was wrong to say something like that.

Oh well. Now they are off to see some local stuff before he drives 2 1/2 hours home!

I think I can handle this. She made it clear to us last night she wants to live on her own for about 1 year before marriage. Smart girl….

I guess you could call it that for tomorrow. Jonathan is coming here for dinner. They thought since all their friends will be around on Sat. for their bonfire, they would just have him come tomorrow for a more relaxed dinner. Yeah right! Me relax? This could be my son-in-law next year! What do I say? Or do? We have to be ourselves but we might scare him away! I haven’t decided on the meal yet. Chicken something. I will do the artichoke dip for hors’douvres…Oh well. I know its no big deal, but since she says she loves him, it is. She really hasn’t ever brought any of the guys she has dated home to meet us so I know its different. Phil is too relaxed in my opinion!

I saw my pdoc yesterday. I am at a good place with medicine now, or so it seems. My med breakdown is 1500 mg of Depakote and 75 mg of Seroquel. The Seroquel will be increased to 100 mg next month, to make up for the 500mg of additional Depakote I needed to be stabilized. It’s really helping. I haven’t had the horrific thoughts I was having. The ammonia smell in my nostrils is gone and has been gone for awhile. I started my period today without the usual mood swing in the days prior! That is a great thing.

Last night at counseling, Ric explained more of the control thing and how emotions trump in everything! Wow, lots of info to digest. I assume that soon we are going to begin to work at rebuilding and reworking the order of things in our home once we understand the faulty way it operates now.

Other news, Brit and Jonathan are getting much more closer. They are saying I love you. We meet him this coming weekend. The girls are hosting a bonfire here and lots of young people will be around. I have one bathroom so Phil said he will cut a path to the woods for the guys! LOL….I am sure they will take advantage of that if need be. I hope it is nice weather and not 90 degrees.

I think I am going to call my friend about a job being a card vendor. It sounds easy enough and kind of like something I could do.

Here is a picture of Brit and Jonathan. Don’t they look cute?