Random thoughts on being well….
Posted by micie66 on January 16, 2008
I forget often that the main reason I began my blog is so I could write or “journal”, if you will, my journey of healing from bipolar as well as my daily thoughts about my issues from my family of origin. Now some are going to say I am nuts for thinking I can be healed, but already I have proof of my healing so don’t leave yet. But there are other thoughts that go through my head and I forget to come here and write them out. So today I figured was just as good a time as any to put them down for all to see! (All 25 of you!) I am not sure how many readers I have that actually stay and read all of my stuff. I know from my counter that many peek in here after I leave a link on your blog or at one of the memes I post. So here goes nothing….
On being bipolar: I have been stable for over 1 year now. I was diagnosed in May 2005 and began meds right away. I take very low, non-therapeutic doses of the medicines I am on. In fact, I don’t even take an anti-depressant which is almost standard for most bipolar people. Most of them have made me “suidcidal”. My episodes now last for minutes or hours instead of days or weeks. I talk myself through the feelings and thoughts that trigger the panic/anxiety or the anger of my swinging moods. I don’t shop like crazy, I don’t take risks, I don’t have sexual encounters outside of marriage, I don’t stay up for days at a time, or sleep for days at a time. I have a routine that I mostly stick to during the week but sometimes I get thrown off on the weekends. But don’t we all? I decided some time ago to not allow bipolar to define who I am but rather allow it to define some of my tendencies. I still struggle with the rigid personality. I still think in black and white far too often and have a lack of grace and mercy towards others at times. I wish I could feel more emotion at times as well. These are all things I am working to overcome.
I have come so far in the last year that those around me, in real life, know about the awesome healing the Lord is working in me.
There are other issues I have from my family of origin that have been defining me for a long time. I don’t want to have these emotions rule over my life any longer the way they have in the past. I can’t begin to explain what that means but I can say that I actually own and use 409 cleaning solution! There is a story to that…
Every Saturday morning, well it seemed like a weekly event in my mind, my dad gave me a sponge and a white bottle of 409 and told me to clean the baseboards. I hated that job. Who wants to crawl around on their knees, in the summer, on long shag carpeting, scootching down the long hallway using that stuff to clean dust that wasn’t there? My dad wasn’t horrible but it was one of those jobs I detested. I was never trained to properly clean a home. I was given odd jobs and if they weren’t perfect according to whomever assigned the job, I was yelled at or ridiculed for the bad job I did. I was expected to clean like an adult as a child. There were no horrible bleach fume experiences, most of this was emotionally damaging.
My mother’s second husband felt that I, at 16 and a new mom, should be cleaning their house all day long rather than taking care of my baby. He felt that he was being generous by letting me live with them so I should clean. No one showed me how to do that. They just said do it.
I got married to my first husband at 16 and moved away from all my family around the time I was 17. We had a small apartment and basically nothing but we did have roaches! Yuck. I didn’t know about cleaning but guess who did? Yep, he did and he didn’t like what I did and didn’t do so again the ridicule came. After that marriage failed, I once again lived with my dad, now with 2 little girls. Again, I had to clean but wasn’t sure what that all meant. I knew about your basic “pick up the toys and belongings and put them away” kind of cleaning, but nothing about how often you clean a toilet or walls or dust or anything. I was just expected to know. At the same time, my older sister was now married with her two children and was “properly” running her household. Oh let the comparisons begin!
So now here I am, married to my wonderful husband for just about 14 years and I still am just learning how to clean. Yes, I need someone like Flylady to tell me what to do and when to do it. I need to leave sticky notes on doors to closets to remind myself to de-clutter them. I need a schedule and a routine.
But what I am done doing is allowing my own personal excuses to get in the way of me learning how and doing the cleaning that one must do to keep their house and make their family happy and comfortable.
If you made it all the way through, blessings on you! I hope I have some how inspired someone out there who has pain connected to such simple things as housecleaning to move beyond the pain and learn how to do what needs to be done. Even if that means you have to go back and learn to crawl in order to walk. And when you are walking, hold your head up high and put your shoulders back and be proud. I know I will.
Posted in bipolar, cleaning, family | 7 Comments »
