is an entity unto herself. I was doing dishes about and hour ago and was having thoughts about my mom. I realized then that if I didn’t write them down, I would be bothered all day by these things and that won’t do. Today the boys are home from camp and I don’t need a “nagging issue” to weigh me down. So if you don’t want to read about my mother, good and bad, stop here and come back another day. Maybe I will share the stories that they boys share from camp.
One thing that currently happens involving my mother usually involves my older sister. She is three years older than I am and her memories are somewhat different of our mother. Plus since my sister lives in the same location as my mom, they have issues all the time. The most recent made me pretty upset at my mom. My sister just had her 45th birthday and her future mother in law decided to host a restaurant party for my sister. She invited my brother, his wife, my sister’s kids and my mom and my sister’s fiance, naturally. J is a great woman to my sister, although from M.’s stories, she wasn’t the best mom either. Back to the story, my mom doesn’t drive at night so K, my sister, asked J. to have the dinner early enough so my mom can get home before dark. Well everything went fine at the party and my mom had time to get home before dark. My sister called mom to see if she got home ok and came to find my mom at her “other family’s” house! This is the family that my mom befriended about 6 years ago and gets all her needs met from. They took her into their lives and she spends time and money on them. They were refugees from another country and my mom felt as if she was doing good by helping them. I believe her heart was in the right place but then it gets fuzzy for us.
See my mom is doing things for this family that she neglected to do for us. She babysits for them, gets up early and drives their kids to school while she slept in when we were little and had to get ourselves up and dressed for school. She takes their kids to doctor’s appointments while she sent me on a public bus to an appointment for a physical at 10 years old and the doctor molested me since I was alone. She buys them stuff, which I don’t care about, but then she gives my daughter used goodwill stuff for her babyshower. It’s one thing to buy thrift store clothes for a baby, but you don’t present those at the baby shower. Those are given privately. She could have just bought one nice blanket instead of the junk she did buy. But I bet she is the one carting those other kids around for their back-to-school shopping trips, but I know she isn’t paying for the stuff. She can’t afford to do that. Then again, how do I know?
She made a ton of mistakes with us, most were due to her selfish nature, some were due to her inability to parent since she had no role models, but we always hoped she would find the strength to rise to the occasion and do the right things. She did do that at times. I do remember her sewing us bedspreads, capes, dresses and outfits. I remember her making apple fritters, once. She did like to have fun by twirling me around on her finger like I was a ballerina. She did make me a few costumes for Halloween but she didn’t know the kids would tease me about one of them. She wasn’t a room mom nor did she attend PTA things. She tried but was too self absorbed to see beyond her own needs to the needs of her four children.
I do love her and have forgiven her for much of the past. I am sure as I deal with more memories that more forgiveness will happen. But how do you get past forgiveness? How do you not feel abandoned when your mom spent more weekends with her friends than her kids? More nights out partying at the local singles bars than with your teenager?
I don’t think I will ever understand why my mother does what she does and I am not sure if I want to. Right now I have things that need my attention in life more than my mother. She calls me occasionally but more often than not, I am the one calling her. She never drives here to visit me. I don’t drive there either but I am still raising children at home and leaving for a day is not easy to arrange, most of the time. I truly hope when she is sicker than she is now, the other family will take care of her like they promise they will. She is burning too many bridges with my sister for K. to want to take care of her in her “golden years”. K. was very hurt that my mom rushed home only to go over to her other family’s house! I was too when K. told me about it. The worst part was when J. (K.’s future mil) told her she was raised well. K. wanted to just crawl under the table.
At least it’s part true because K., just like me and my brothers, all raised ourselves in part with our dad. Mom just didn’t do such a great job.
I’m ending there before I get angry and will spend some time praying about this. I need to clear my head and move on.