Archive for bipolar

Life goes on…

In spite of all the interesting things happening around me, life goes on. Phil is doing well. The boys are good as are the girls and their families. I am still trying to find a job. In the meantime, I am getting orders to sew things. Totes, purses and now pillows. I am glad for all of it but wonder how to make it be what we need for a job for me. I am not organized enough here.  I can be organized in controlled environments but my home is about to explode. I am going to have to go on a computer fast to get it all done. My sewing stuff is everywhere. The paper clutter is awful and Phil’s computer made it’s way back into the living room for the time being.  Too much stuff in a small space.

Then there is Caleb’s room. Poor kid, he hasn’t had his space to himself for awhile now. It seems a bunch of stuff was just piled in there during some cleaning and changing of rooms. I have to help him and get some stuff out of there. Why is it so hard for me to throw things out or give them away? It’s very frustrating to me and my family. I need help.

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Inner battles

We all have them. We all fight against them and then, from time to time, we give in to them. I understand that. What I don’t get is when we give in to the ones that cost so much, in terms of relationships and how they are affected. I get that we all have our personal demons to fight and stress will cause one to try to soothe the soul of those demons. But what makes one cross a line that has never been crossed before? Or risk so much for a temporary fix to the struggle?

Deep thoughts today, I know. But I am struggling and thinking deeply on these things. I am trying not to be angry. I am trying to rise above the inner gut feelings of reaction. I don’t know that I will be able to this time around. So many thoughts, so many hurts. How do I move past this?

I don’t know. All I have is prayer. Nothing else will help. Nothing else will fix this but God. I can’t do it in my own strength. But I won’t let it defeat me and beat me down. I can’t. I am needed.

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Same song, second verse….

A little bit louder, a little bit worse. The mood swings are back and are rearing their ugly heads. Life is not fun. Life is rotten right now. Up and down. In and out. Not liking the situations I am in right now.

I realized a few weeks ago that I horribly dislike Phil’s shift and it’s wreaking havoc on the family, especially me. It’s like I have moved forward one step and back five! So I sit here, night after night, wanting to throw my Christmas tree out the back door, ornaments-lights-and all! I am sick of the holidays and what it is supposed to be like. I want my husband to be “present” when he is here, not in the fibro-fog that consummes his body and mind most of the time. I am tired to trying to be strong.

When I start to get those feelings of “I just want to run away” I know it’s bad. There is little I can do to turn the tide, I just have to ride it out. I do need to meet with a friend or something and talk. That would help. But who? Again, it’s the holidays and everyone is probably with family. But I will try to call someone.

On a happier note, I have a few pictures from Christmas with Brit and her family. Over and out.5-kids-2008

lutz-fam-2008

my-kids-2008

Getting the babies to be still was like herding cats. It didn’t work out well.

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